


Captain's  Personal Log

by Aussiefan70



Category: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-15 22:10:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5802073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aussiefan70/pseuds/Aussiefan70
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I was always frustrated that the TNG writers seemed to gloss over the fact that they put Picard through hell and just pretended, the next episode, that it was all over.  So I had a few thoughts about his response to being tortured by Gul Madred.</p>
<p>Be gentle with me....its my first effort at writing anything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Captain's  Personal Log

**Captain's Personal Log**

I walked off the bridge, into my ready room.  Counsellor Troi followed me, not needing a request to follow, simply knowing I would be required to talk to her.  She sat on the couch and I followed her lead, and then.....I paused.

I know I have to speak of this, to talk about my experiences with Gul Madred, but..........

Honestly, at this moment? I'm more angry at Captain Jellico.  I know he took over my ship at Starfleet's command, but....damn it....he messed with my command structure, made my valued officers jump through hoops, and then forced them to stand down because they were defending me! 

And then he had the gall to return my own ship to me (yes, MY OWN SHIP! ) with the comment that he maybe left her a little bit better!!!

Ahh....hell!!!

Jean-Luc, its time to admit this is all a distraction from the main issue.  Yes, Jellico was out of line and I'm not surprised Will reacted the way he did..I would have been surprised, truthfully, if he had acted differently.  It's time to be honest though, time to go back to that moment on the couch, where I had to admit to Deanna that I really did see five lights...that Madred really had broken me.

The thing is, I had never truly broken before.  All those events you think would have ruined me?

Losing the Stargazer...being assimilated.....becoming Locutus of Borg??? Those were all imposed on me. I survived on resilience, and then, later, with the support of my crew.  This time.. ..... this time..... Well....it's something so very different. It's like I almost had to choose to break. He knew my weaknesses too well.....he threatened Beverley. 

I don't know what else to say, to think.  I had to choose to protect someone dear to my heart.   I can admit it here, in my personal logs, if never anywhere else.

(Pause. Space to breathe. Deep sigh.)

I don't know what else to say. I feel I let myself down. I let down my crew, my ship, Starfleet...all I have stood for my entire life.   And despite having Deanna's help and support...and her belief that I did all I could? The greatest part of me can't....seemingly won't....believe that.  I'm lost here...shaken to my core...and I am no longer certain I deserve to be in command of Starfleet's flagship any longer.  Part of my mind believes I will never escape from Gul Madred. Part of me still believes I saw five lights. Most of me is lost and not sure of the way back home.

I don't know what else to say.....

(Sigh)

I don't know what else to say.

End personal log.


End file.
